Elder Scrolls Jokes
by AdrianPetersonFan113
Summary: Over 600 veiwers! Yeah baby! I do need to stress, I can't do this without you guys. I am finite. I need your guys' jokes, and complaints telling me I suck. Switching over to new name : Elder Scrolls Jokes. Formally known as MURPHY'S LAW OF OBLVION.
1. Death, the Market, and Assassins

Murphy's Law of Oblivion

I will be asking for you, all five of my poorly misguided viewers, to help contribute to my crap project. I do not look kindly on duplicates or copy cats, however. If you do, prepare for me to scream, involve your mother, and think mean thoughts. Like I said, if you have anything that you would like to add, drop me a line. (If you, for some reason like this, go to any Murphy's Law website. I particularly enjoyed Murphy's Law of combat. Lol.)

Murphy's Law of Dying

Rule 1 - If you die and you are calm about it, you will succeed the next time you try. If you die and get mad, you will die a bare minimum of fifteen more times.

Rule 2 - The wolf you're ignoring because there is a hammer wielding bandit is going to be the death of you.

Rule 3 - Durable weapons aren't.

Rule 4 - The amount and quality of the enemies you are facing is directly proportionate to how poorly equipped you are.

Rule 5 - Your enchanted items will be at least twelve hits undercharged. And the only way you afforded this new weapon will have been by every single one of your soul gems.

Rule 6 - After killing and, by the power of the Almighty God, not dying, you will be killed by a trap, usually a log that had no apparent trigger.

Rule 7 - Your enemies won't run out of arrows, but, as a rule, you will. He will also be better with a dagger and have amazing poisons and enchantments, too.

Rule 8 - Those loading screens that tell you to slow down while running away is just Bethesda's way to see if you are really that stupid.

Rule 9 - You will always be just "this" far away from winning.

Rule 10 - When you made a character that will be your "it" character, have pushed the difficulty slider to the right and to the left due to what kind of enemy you are facing, became the master of a skill you have trained for, defeated your main enemy that you have hated for so long, there is a list of things triggered to happen.

Your game will crash, usually before you have saved anything.

You will forget to save, and your game will auto save over your "it" character.

You will let a friend play, and, while going to get something to drink, he will unwittingly sell all of your artifacts, armor, weapons, and rewards you have earned, thinking that he did you a favor. And don't do it. The police and the FBI will figure it out.

Murphy's Law Of The Market

Rule 1 - You will not get past the Novice skill.

Rule 2 - You will not get past the Apprentice skill.

Rule 3 - No matter how friendly and good you are, you will always be asking for too much.

Rule 4 - Even if you are the Champion of Cyrodiil, you will still be screwed over by a Novice merchant. There is no appreciation.

Rule 5 - While spelunking for enough septims for a silver claymore, you will get the money. Since you only want the best weapons that you can by, not accepting any outdated weapons, you will level up. The next day, you will be using the same ratty weapon to afford a dwarven claymore.

Rule 6 - You will travel across Cyrodiil looking for a better price, but all the bad merchants on this side of Cyrodiil won't have the money to buy your item.

Rule 7 - Spells are better then swords; they don't break.

Rule 8 - Swords are better then spells; you will always have enough fatigue to swing a long sword.

Rule 9 - The enchanted Elven mace will be a better weapon then the glass mace you just traded it for.

Rule 10 - You will never have enough septims for the healing potion that will save your life.

Murphy's Law Of Assassins

Rule 1 - That man you just slaughtered for your initation was your contact for a future contact on a mission. Bummer.

Rule 2 - When you have the perfect sniping position, somebody will wander in front of your target and not move until your target moves out of sight.

Rule 3 - Your poison isn't strong enough.

Rule 4 - The enchanted you're about to slip into his back is uncharged.

Rule 5 - You will never hit your target when you have the best poison, enchanted arrow, and enchanted bow. You will, however, hit an innocent bystander.

Rule 6 - Your perfect chance will forever be lost as you will be taking a drink at the exact moment.

Rule 7 - Your game will crash just before you reach a door which would auto save.

Rule 8 - No matter which escape route you have planned, a guard will be waiting for you.

Rule 9 - That room you're hiding in is the room that the body guard sleeps in. It's his bed time whenever you enter.

Rule 10 - That target you just killed wasn't the intended one, your green arrow was pointing you to the man with one hit point behind the huge, muscular man you just barely killed.

I'm going to take a brake and post this. If you like it, let me know! If you have ideas, let me know! I'm not going to add anything more until I get reviews!


	2. Allies, Vampires, and Updated Jokes

The updated chapter. If you guys have other jokes, they don't have to be a Murphy's Law joke, y'know.

Rule 11 - If you listen to the radio while you play, there will be lots of slow, boring songs while you are in the heat of combat. Chances are, you will die about ten times, even if the difficulty slider is in the middle. But, right as soon as you loot the boss's body, something that gets your blood pumping, like I Will Be Heard, will come on, and you'll want to start another fight.

Rule 12 - You will look cool and calm while fighting a goblin war chief; taking it down without being hit in under one minute. But then you will freak out because a Kamikaze rat will attack you, and you will scream like a girl and waste half of your arrows and/or magic supply trying to hit it because it won't hold still.

Rule 13 - On your own, you can easily beat the game with the difficulty slider all the way to the right. With a friend over that will give you shit for it, you will find a way to die before the Emperor even arrives in your cell.

Rule 14 - You will always find rats wandering around on their own, but ogres seem to travel in packs of fours.

Rule 15 - Friendly fire isn't.

Rule 11 (Contributed by Paintball Willie) - You will trade all of your spare healing potions and soul gems and stuff for that cure disease potion because you were too lazy to fast travel to another city and use the altar. Later on, when you get killed by a sewer rat, you will realize you should have bought the 4 gold mandrake roots instead.

Murphy's Law of Combat with An Ally

Rule 1 - While attacking an enemy, all of your blows will hit your ally, causing him to kick your ass.

Rule 2 - Let the guards handle it; if you accidentally hit them, an ass kicking will be in order.

Rule 3 - When you're kicking ass, your ally will die.

Rule 4 - If your ally is kicking ass, you will die.

Rule 5 - If none of you are kicking ass, both of you will survive.

Rule 6 - Never use an essential as an ally; them kicking ass just makes you look bad.

Rule 7 - If your ally is a spell caster, every good spell they have will have an area of affect about it, and it will kick your ass.

Rule 9 - If you need him later on, he will get his ass kicked and die.

Rule 10 - As a rule, an ally's weapon will always break. Then starts the ass kicking.

Murphy's Law of Vampires

(Idea contributed by Alpha DragonWulf)

Rule 1 - You will never be able to find someone asleep when you really need to suck blood. (Idea contributed by Alpha DragonWulf)

Rule 2 - Even if you suck blood fifteen times from the same person, there will be one time in there where you slip, accidentally pickpocket them, and get the crap kicked out of you.(Idea contributed by Alpha DragonWulf)

Rule 3 - As soon as you become a vampire, you will have to go against someone that only uses fire spells. (Idea contributed by Alpha DragonWulf)

Rule 4 - How easy a lock is to pick is directly proportionate to how few lockpicks you have. (Contributed by SarahSultana)

Rule 5 - When you're the vampire, the term undead doesn't hold true.

You guys are doing good with the comments and jokes. Keep it up, and tell your friends (can't believe I just said that).


	3. Adventuring

Murphy's Law of Adventuring

Rule 1 - Even if you only took the sidequest to level grind, it will take more effort and time and be more difficult than the quest you were level grinding to beat in the first place. (Contributed by 3quency)

Rule 2 - Every other rat carries some crazy disease.

Rule 3 - If it's a stupid battle plan but it works, it isn't stupid.

Rule 4 - All the hot ones are your enemies. The old, wrinkled, ugly ones are your best friends.

Rule 5 - There will always be one more floor.

Rule 6 - Your arrows are in fact attracted to pillars and stalagmites.

Rule 7 - At first, his health bar will plummet like a bowling ball off a cliff. Then, on the last four hits, it will almost completely stop.

Rule 8 - You will always miss the shot with the amazing custom poison.

Rule 9 - When you get in a fight, everyone you don't like in the tri-state area will show up.

Rule 10 - On the road, a patrol will always show up once your done killing several ogres and minotaur.

The page has been moved to M, for strong language. I'll eventually be posting it under T, but don't expect as much as on M.


	4. Factions Part 1

Jokes On Factions

What is your organization?

General of the Legion: We are paid civilians that will lay everything on the line to keep your ungrateful ass safe.

Blades Blademaster: An organization of highly trained individuals devoted and ready to die for the Emperor.

Captain of the Western Cities Watch: A group of individuals who wish to help enforce law and order.

Captain of the Northern Cities Watch: A handful of people who are willing to freeze our asses off while walking up and down streets and being barked at by ungrateful civilians.

Captain of the Western/Southern Cities Watch: We chase people.

Captain of the Imperial City Watch: We are men who put on armor, walk around, and bitch about it.

Champions of Cyrodiil Grand Champion: We walk around town, and listen to people bitch about how terrible their lives are, and then we do something like accidentally find a lost dagger while we are really just drunk and looking for a fight.

Dark Brotherhood Listener: What the hell do you think we do?

Gray Fox: I'm not real.

Master of Fighters' Guild: We beat the shit out of people, laugh at them, get half canned, then get paid.

Arch-Mage: We, the association of the knowledge sustaining people with the deepest need to research the unpredictable magicka that flows through every being's veins, know that, with great power, comes great responsibility. We, are the association that will limit your powers and guide your hand as you delve deeper into your preferred school of magic (if you're lucky).

Translation: We're just a bunch of pricks who do boring crap that nobody else wants to, tells you what you can and cannot do in a very duschbag like fashion, and will send you off to fetch a simple book, once you've been ambushed by our accumulating enemies.

We'll come back to the other ranks later, but now we're going to ask all the knowledge bearing societies about common fowl that seems to collect so many questions, while answering completely none. Funny, since it is such a stupid animal.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Blades Intelligence Agency: It has been confirmed that the fowl has crossed the cobblestone road. It's course of action, however, is very curious and intriguing. It came upon the road at a sixty degree angle, stopped, looked back, took three paces to its right, scratched exactly twice, pecked four times at seemingly nothing, continued across the road at an exact ninety degree angle, stopped, rested, then continued until finished at a precise forty five degree angle. Such a strategy has never been used before. It has been suggested that the Blades use this codenamed "DUMBIRD" strategy the next time they come under enemy fire of any kind, following each exercise to the exact step. We are still waiting on word concerning if the strategy works or not. Note: all five squads that have deployed this exercise have been KIA.

The Mythic Dawn: WE SUPPORT THIS CHICKEN, AND ANY OTHER CHICKENS THAT WISH TO REPEAT SUCH A RISKY EXERCISE! IN FACT, WE WILL SUMMON CHICKENS TO CROSS EVERY ROAD IN TAMRIEL! AND BEFORE LONG, THE CHICKEN GOD WILL RETURN TO CLAIM HIS BIRTHRIGHT! DEATH TO YOU ALL!

Legion Marksmen: And.. There, we have a confirmed visual on the chicken. Tracking, tracking… Shit, we lost him. Gotta admit though, that was pretty cool.

Fighter's Guild: Such a risky maneuver that was attempted by the unarmed bird should _not_ be attempted again! Next time, we implore the chicken, or any other bystander, to employ the Fighter's Guild to perform routine patrols on road at least five days prior to the crossing. If we are contacted six days prior, we will throw in somebody free to hold your hand. All casualties will come out of your purse.

Mage's Guild: What chicken?

Guards: To get to the other side? What? I'm wrong? Oh, damn…

Legionnaire: A battalion was assigned to protect said chicken. Heavy casualties reported. Many man tripped, and fell while trying to keep up with the bird, some twisting their ankles, and, one splitting his head wide open. Even more men were sent to the healers when they reported they sneezed more then twice. We are still awaiting word back from the healers.

In Leyawiin, two Mage's Guild Wizards and one Defender of the Fighter's Guild went to the local pub.

The two wizards sat down at the back of the bar, and the defender sat down next to him, humming a happy tune to himself with a smile on his face.

"Sheesh, I'm parched. I sure could use an ale!" one of the mages said when he saw the defender taking off both of his boots and wriggling his toes.

"I'll get it for you, if you'll give me the gold." the defender smiled as he was in a good mood. The mage paid the fighter, and, once the man was out of sight, the wizard spat in on of the man's boots.

The defender came back, and the other wizard asked if he could have an ale also. The defender happily obliged, and the wizard spat in the other steel boot.

"Sorry if they're a little warm, all of the ice has melted and we don't have any more." the defender apologized as both men realized their drinks were rather warm.

Right as it came to be closing time, the defender slipped his boots back on. His face suddenly became struck by the shock of having his feet wet with mucus and saliva. Both mages burst out laughing, while the defender just shook his head and complained "When will this endless and pointless joking cease? When will the spitting in boots and pissing in ale bottles come to an end?"


End file.
